Today is the beginning of the end. Well not exactly. The beginning of the end actually occurred the day before Thanksgiving when I told my husband of almost 13 years that I am leaving him. He was shocked. I have been complaining about being unhappy for about the last 8 years of our marriage and have tried to work it out with him without lasting results. I've tried to talk to him about our problems. Two years ago we went to marriage counseling and things improved for about 3 weeks but then went back to the same old same old. In July I told him that it had gotten so ridiculous that I had made an appointment with a divorce attorney but even that didn't seem to sink in.
So yes he was very shocked and hurt and sad when I told him that enough is enough and I'm leaving. I felt horrible about it but at the same time a little bit validated or ..... I don't know what the word is that I'm looking for. Not happy, but that "now you know how I've felt for the last 8 years" kind of feeling. I'm not happy to have hurt him, I'm not a complete beeyotch. But we are in two different emotional places right now.
So with me feeling really bad about hurting him, we went to marriage counseling. On my birthday which is Dec 2. Great way to spend a birthday. NOT. We went back to the same shrink we met with two years ago who was surprised to see us back there, especially when I revealed to her that I was only there because H wanted to work things out. H had a revelation the night before which he revealed to us during the session. He said that the reason he has been withholding affection and attention from me all this time is because he's pissed that I would not have a baby. Now when we got married it was with the understanding that we would not be having children. I never wanted them and I still don't want them now and, quite frankly, I feel just too old and am not crazy about kids anyway. Nothing is ever going to change my mind with regard to that topic. So he basically married me because I'm 10 years younger and he figured I'd change my mind by the time I was 30. His choice to choose the same counselor we used 2 years ago sort of backfired on him because she pointed out that all the insurance info and scheduling and paperwork was done by me and if he was so interested in working things out, why didn't he make any effort to set up the counseling. Then she laid into him about what a bad idea it would be to bring a child into an environment where the mother isn't really interested in being a mother and that it likely would not bring us closer together (yes, he actually thought it would bring us closer together). So the counseling didn't go well. When she asked him why he wanted to work it out and how he planned to win me back he said I'll be nice to her, I'll love her, I'll bring her flowers. The man is just without a clue and has not listened to anything I've said. Ever. I want affection, I want attention, I want sex and I want it hot and I want it often. I want someone who wants more out of life than sitting in front of the TV. I want meaningful conversation. Counselor asked me what H could do to win me back, what it would take, and I told her nothing. He can do nothing to win me back because I have already been thru the stages of grief and I've come out on the other side. I like my H but I am not in love with him and I am not physically attracted to him at all. If he tried to start a little something something up with me it wouldn't have any affect at all. I'm so over him. It's just too late.
And what is the significance of the title of my blog - Diary of the Walkaway Wife? Well when I was feeling so bad about hurting him I found an article called the Walkaway Wife Syndrome (something like that anyway) that states that it's the wife who keeps tabs on the relationship in its early stages and when things start to go bad she starts to complain and try to talk about it and the husband perceives it as nagging rather than trying to fix things and he retreats. After years of this the wife also retreats in order to insulate her feelings from further pain, all the while planning her escape and/or counting the days until "D" day (divorce) when she tells her H that she's had it and is leaving and he says "I had no idea you were unhappy". Grrrrr... that's exactly what my H had to say. I couldn't believe it.
So why is today the beginning of the end? Because I called my attorney, Dana, this morning and told her to proceed with the paperwork and the filing.
So here we are. The beginning of the end. Much more to follow including details about the other man I'm hopelessly in love with.
